This past October, my colleague, Paul Trudelle, penned a thought-provoking blog on writing your own obituary. In addition to addressing some therapeutic benefits of drafting one’s own “last words”, Paul outlined tips to overcome the initial writers block that might accompany an “auto”-bituary task. He also noted some of the motivating personal questions that the exercise might force a writer to confront.
Further to Paul’s blog, I recently came across two articles – one in the New York Times, and one in the Globe and Mail – where the respective authors discuss their experiences writing both their own and others’ obituaries. This blog will canvas some of the authors’ reasons for why we should consider putting pen-to-paper on our own last words.
Easing the Grief of Loved Ones
Susan Gubar, author of the above-noted New York Times article and professor emerita of English at Indiana University, asserts that while some may fear that writing a self-obituary seems narcissistic, the outcome is ultimately anything but. She notes that writing one’s own obituary “can be a form of summation and of caregiving for those who may be in need of direction after we are gone.”
Writing one’s own obituary alleviates the responsibility that may otherwise fall on a friend or relative during an inevitably difficult period of time. Particularly given the short time frame within which loved ones are expected to submit an obituary, undertaking the obituary task for oneself can hopefully ease some stress for loved ones after one’s death.
Preparing the Words for Tricky Personal Issues
As the propensity for blended family structures steadily increases, so do the instances of complex and sometimes complicated family dynamics. Choosing to write one’s own obituary enables the writer to determine in advance how certain delicate, but important, relationships should be documented. In Gubar’s article, she recounts struggling with how to mention a friend’s divorced spouse while assisting to write her friend’s obituary, for example.
Gubar also recalls writing an personal essay where she wrested with her irritation towards the “corny sentences of a canned obit”. She highlights how many obituaries generally leave out the messiness, confusion, and unfinished tasks of the deceased. Writing one’s own obituary provides the author with the freedom to decide whether they want to smooth over the more tumultuous chapters of their lives, or to highlight these chapters in their own words.
In Penny Lipsett’s article for the Globe and Mail, she identifies the daunting task that comes hand-in-hand with third-party obituary writing: information collection within a tight deadline. Lipsett notes that a third-party obituary writer “needs to check dates and other facts as the newspaper deadline looms.”
Even in one’s own life, it’s not unusual to mix up the dates of important milestones when simply trying to recount them off the cuff – I know I am guilty of this regularly. One can ensure that their timeline is fact-checked and accurate by taking the time to draft an obituary in advance.
Hitting the Highlights
In the infamous words of Toronto’s own 6-God, Aubery Graham (more commonly known by his moniker, Drake): you only live once. Writing one’s own obituary gives the writer the autonomy to capture the exact things that, in their view, made their life meaningful. As Gubar eloquently notes, the exercise of writing one’s own obituary can be crucial both in “conveying the import of an existence [and] the values informing it.”
As well, even a close family member or friend may not be aware of the pivotal events that have truly shaped their relative’s or companion’s life. In discussing this concept, Gubar recounts her friends’ children attempting to draft their father’s obituary: while they grasped the general outlines of their father’s trajectory as a university administrator, they were not as clear on “all the priorities that he might have wanted stressed.”
Thanks for reading!