I recently came across an article about a death doula, Maryanne O’Hara, on the top regrets she has noticed in people facing the end of their lives.  

In “I’m a Death Doula, and This Is the Most Common Regret I Hear From People Nearing End of Life”, author Richard Wagner reviews Maryanne O’Hara’s book, Little Matches: A Memoir of Finding Light in the Dark. Ms. O’Hara is an end-of-life doula who provides emotional, spiritual, practical and physical support for people living with a terminal illness and their loved ones. 

The main regret, according to O’Hara, is that we don’t have more time. “When you take your future for granted, it’s easy to lose sight of the larger questions of meaning and purpose and respond to what’s demanding your attention at moment.” She gives an example of a woman not enjoying life’s little pleasures because she was too busy focussing on daily stresses and chores and using them as an excuse for not taking better care of herself and spending quality time with loved ones.  

Another common theme noted by O’Hara is not realizing the power and importance of love. People realize too late that “Love is truly all that matters.” She refers to an interaction she had with a man facing the end of his life. The man referred to a Cat Stevens song (“Father and Son”), about a father not understanding his son’s desire to break away and live his own life, as summing up his end-of-life regret. (Not to be confused with the Harry Chapin song, “Cats in the Cradle”, which is more maudlin but perhaps more on point.) 

It is difficult to live life without regrets. However, the discovery and realization of what really matters can help us possibly live a less regretful life. 

(The article is best read while listening to Edith Piaf’s melancholy yet uplifting “Non, je ne regrette rien”.) 

The article was posted on Richard Wagner’s excellent website, “The Amateur’s Guide to Death & Dying”. The website is full of great articles on all aspects of death and dying. 

Thanks for reading. 

Paul Trudelle