The year and the decade are quickly winding down. In the days before the onset of 2020, it’s TIME FOR LISTS!

Year-end lists are everywhere: best estate cases, best songs, best movies, best TV shows, best books, best punt returns, best (or worst) Donald Trump moments. The list(s) go(es) on.

Rather than add to what is already a very long list of lists, I thought I would share with you one of my all-time favourite lists: “Changes to the Hotel California, Made in Response to Mr. Henley’s Recent Complaint”, by John Moe[i], as posted on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.

Once read, you will never be able to listen to The Eagle’s Hotel California in the same way again.

Great song. Great guitars. If you haven’t listened to it in a while, give it a listen. Millennials: if you haven’t listened to it ever, give it a listen.

The list:

• Update room décor, including removal of ceiling mirrors
• Restock spirit supplies, encourage Captain to offer guests other options
• Acquire steelier knives and/or less resolute beast
• Emphasize “heaven” image over less desirable “hell” alternative
• Install electric-light system in hallway (long overdue), reassign employee who has been showing guests to room by candlelight
• Upgrade music selection to accommodate both guests who dance to remember and those who do so to forget
• Improve courtyard air conditioning to reduce occurrences of sweet summer sweat
• Encourage nightman to be less cryptic when talking to guests
• Clearly mark passage back to places guests have been before
• Emphasize core strengths: lovely place, plenty of room, consistent location
• Reduce power on colitis-oil highway pumps; smell may be overly aggressive
• Provide “house alibis” to guests who neglect to bring their own
• Streamline checkout procedures to accommodate guests’ desire to actually leave

Thanks for reading. Happy New Year!

Paul Trudelle

*Bonus list: A short list of other John Moe “Pop Song Correspondences” posts:

• A Letter to Prince Regarding the Crying of Doves and the Fiasco That Resulted From the Presentation of a Speech on That Topic
• A Note Placed in the Pay Envelope of Billy “The Piano Man” Joel
• To: Peter Criss; From: Beth
• A Letter to Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band From Sgt. Pepper
• A Letter to Elton John From the Office of the NASA Administrator
• Attention, Mr. Axl Rose: We Did Not Feel Welcome in the Jungle
• Marvin Gaye Explains What He Heard Through the Grapevine
• A Memo to the Sultans of Swing, From Their Booking Agent